You mommas out there, you know what I am talking about. Being poured out. It’s tiring; more adequately described as exhausting, bone weary, muscle aching. It’s painful. And its constant.
Poured out in the little ways. Wiping little bottoms. Getting drinks. Helping to wash hands. Finding the lost pencil, toy, or shoe. Trying to listen and give attention to every little voice….all day long. Trying to be a “Yes” Momma. Reminding kids that we should use indoor voices. Training. Searching for areas to give them praise. Cooking. Helping with chores. Pushing on the swing. Nursing a baby. Wiping more bottoms. Finding lost underwear. Reading books. Looking for “lost” kittens. Teaching. Helping with school work. Sweeping. Changing the laundry. Answering questions. Listening to them tell about their dreams. Reminding them to “consider others more important than themselves.” Training. Blanket time. Nursing – again.
Constantly in a place where what “I want to do” is trumped by the present need.
I am in a season right now that makes me feel so squeezed. That leaves me drained. I have the thought often that this person that I am is dying. I worry that there will not be any of “me” left when I’m done with all this child raising. I’ve heard countless times from so many sources that one “should never ‘loose themselves.'” In all honesty, I start to resent that I am in fact “loosing myself” and “dying.”
But then these thoughts flash through my mind.
“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. (Mark 8:35)
God brings beauty for ashes
And I find myself many times throughout the day saying,
“Lord, I can’t do this on my own. I am so desperate for You.”
“Lord, I am so tired. But Your Word says You will be my strength.”
“Lord I need help. The Bible promises me that “You are my help.”
“Jesus, I need wisdom here….what should I do? ”
“What’s the best thing for me to be doing right now? There are so many needs…so many things that need to be done. Lord, what is it that You need me to do right now?”
So, as I think about my day as it comes to an end. And I think about my season that I’m in, I realize that yes, I am in fact loosing my life slowly slowly. And it’s painful. I am pouring out my life, sometimes in gushes, but often times just in drips. I don’t always do it well. Like I said, sometimes I resent it. At times, I even find myself starting to resent those that are the cause of this pouring out of me. But when I put my thoughts on the Lord. When I put myself under His Authority. When I put on right thinking. Then I realize, that it’s God’s way of sanctifying me. Slowly, slowly He is sanctifying me. As He does this, more and more of my sin – especially in the way of selfishness is revealed to me.
Which leaves me longing for eternity.